Moving Forward

I think about him everyday. I think about what happened, how it happened, how I found out, how the next week went after, over and over. I can’t stop. No matter what I do, I can’t make my mind stop thinking about him. I want to turn off my thoughts so bad and take a break. Grief is exhausting! It is all consuming!

After the “incident” and after my trip to his house in October, my dad’s house, I took a break from life. Until two weeks ago I had been hiding from regular life, sitting at home, binge watching shows, to just get through the day. I made myself feel productive by occasionally taking care of dead dad business and everything that goes along with that.

I have focused a lot on myself. I have been working out like a maniac. Running. Lifting. Running. Lifting. I started working with a trainer. I had weekly therapy appointments, now down to every other week. I engaged in too much retail therapy. I bought essential oils. 

I started taking the kids out again more regularly. I played with them even though I wanted to sleep. I spoiled them! I forced myself into uncomfortable group situations. I pretended that I was fine.

I slowly started to feel better. Fake it till you make it, started to work. Forcing myself to act normal made me feel more normal. Life has been better. I am getting back into my groove. 

More recently I have been distracting myself with our new house. We close this Friday! It is a fixer upper and I can’t wait to make all of my Pinterest dreams come true. I am going to Pinterest the shit out of this house and I can’t wait to share my ideas with all of you! New house, making baby plans (fingers crossed), homeschool planning, vacation planning, planning, planning, and more planning are all great distractions. 

But in the back of my mind, during all of this positive planning, is the thought that he won’t be a part of any of my plans. And if I let that thought take over I will lose myself again. I have to keep moving forward.