A Good Pre-Trip Cry

Packing. Packing. Packing. Dreading. Excited! Reminiscing. Wishing this was all still not happening and my dad would come back. More crying… Wanting to plan, but not being able to plan anything. This has been my past week as I prepare to take a trip home where I was supposed to be able to spend five days with my dad.

He was supposed to pick me up in Los Angeles and drive me to his new home in Nevada.

He was supposed to give me a tour of his new home and show me all the details he picked out. 

He was supposed to take us hiking. 

Us.

He was supposed to spend time with his granddaughters. 

How many times can that last thought run through my head and not make me break out in ugly crying. 

Today we leave for Los Angeles and next weekend I will be driving myself and the girls to his home in Nevada. Instead of spending time with my dad I will be sorting through his belongings with my brother and sister and his partner Karen. 

It is a nightmare. I am dreading it. This is going to suck so bad. Fuck! Fuck this!

I have been meaning to share what I said at the memorial for my Dad and the Keyhole Seven. And today, as I finish up last minute packing and try to keep my shit together, I finally feel ready to share. 

It is still hard to believe this is happening. This was so sudden and unexpected that it has made the last week feel unreal.

 
When I first heard that he was missing, and before I really understood the situation he had been in, I had two thoughts.

 
One, he is strong, mentally and physically, he’s a survivor, he is invincible. Of course they are going to find him alive.

 
The second was, no, of course he won’t make it because I know, as the leader he was, he would help others before he helped himself.

 
My dad’s body was found the farthest from keyhole Canyon, What else did you expect, of course he wasn’t going to let anyone out distance him.

 
Since he discovered his love of hiking several years ago his life changed for the better. He became healthier, and the strongest that I ever remember him being. Hiking brought him to Karen, whom he loved so much, even though she is on the opposite side of the political spectrum. This is the park where they had their first date. And hiking brought him a community, the VHC, who savored his leadership, companionship, and sense of adventure.

 
The VHC was family to him, and this is exactly what he would want us to be doing today. He had invited Dima and I to go on a hiking trip with him and the VHC this coming June. An Alaskan cruise. When he invited us he warned me. Melanie, on this cruise, I am not your Dad, I am the hiking leader. I can’t hang out with you the whole time.

 
The best thing about being a parent is reliving childhood memories through your kids, experiencing holidays, events, and outings with them in the way that you cherished. In this way my Dad will live on. Growing up, we were with him every other weekend, and he made the most of every weekend he had with Amanda and I. I have so many things that I want my girls to experience and I will be thinking of you every time Dad.

 
Thank you everybody for coming, thank you VHC and Larry, for all the planning and set up. And thank you to Rabbi Blazer for being here and providing comfort to myself and our family.