How to Bitch at Your Partner and Get Away With It

     Bitching happens, there is no way to fight it. You will have complaints about your partner and you will voice them in a not very nice way, and it will probably make you feel better. To do it well is a delicate balancing act because of course you love this person, you just want them to act a little less like an idiot. These are the best methods I have developed over the past five years of marriage to artfully bitch and have my husband be ok with it.

1. Let’s start with the foundation, even it out with compliments. For as much as you point out their wrongdoings you need to also give them credit when they do something right. I know it doesn’t happen often, but when it does, lay on the praise.

2. This is very important, spread the complaints out. If you bring up transgressions constantly you will wear them out. They need time to analyze and recover from the infinite wisdom in your messages.

3. This goes hand in hand with the last point, add variation. You need to mix up the point of the message. If you always bitch about the same thing you will wear them down.

4. This is my favorite! Add a hashtag! Here is what you do. Send them a text message, “complain, complain, complain…” And then add something along the lines of #loveyou #yourethebest or #missyou. It really lightens up the nag. I have even been thanked for doing this! Here is an example.

5. Make it up to them later. Use your imagination, but you can follow up a good bitch with a sandwich, hand them the remote, or take it to the bedroom.

6. Say it in a joking way and laugh it off. Similar to the hashtag method the goal of this is to lighten up the bitching. Relax your voice and throw out a “You forgot to put wipes in the diaper bag. Haha! We are really screwed!”

7. This one is hard, let them return the favor. If they are brave enough to return a nag, don’t fight it. You are probably right anyway but sometimes you need to let them have a win.

8. Use the phrase, “I should have asked you…” This way you are shouldering some of the fault while reminding them of the appropriate behavior. For example, “I should have asked you to put her pajamas on since it is so late.”

9. Say it like a question, it throws them off their game. You have to say it without a hint of sarcasm. “So this is the only kind of yogurt they had at the grocery store?” It lets them know they messed up but sounds much less aggressive.

10. Make sure you switch up these methods! You don’t want them to catch on to your plan so mix it up!